...exhale

So I got called out the other day.  An elder I have MUCH respect and love for, as I approached her with a smile on my face I stood square in front of her and waited.  A well known intuitive that read me long before I walked up to her (as she always does)  I stood now in front of her full in her energy, exposing my own and waiting for her to speak.

"You have changed" she said.  I smiled.  "Yes, you are changing. that smile is not always real yet it too has changed."  I nodded proud that my work on self was apparent to her.  I told her how I had been working gradually on releasing some baggage since I'd seen her earlier this year.  I was all ready to tell her about the love I had experienced and although it was told not healthy for me to keep it did unlock something dormant within my spirit.  Just as I began to go into my "progress report," she stopped me and said.


"WHY AREN'T YOU WRITING?"  My smile dropped.  "YOU ARE HOLDING ON TO SOMETHING FROM THE PAST THAT IS TO BE WRITTEN...YOU SHOULD BE AT HOME NOW WRITING." 

I felt her arms hug me and her foot in my rear simultaneously.  A woman that I'm supposed to be writing for also put her two cents on the table inquiring of progress of the book i'm working on for her.

as the night went on and when the midnight hour struck and all sang happy birthday to me...I smiled and when the singing was done she said OUT LOUD...." WHY ARE YOU STILL HERE?  YOU SHOULD BE HOME WRITING!"

I left, went home and wrote until I fell asleep. 

I have 3 days to write a whole lot and I know I can do it...

so 2010..I become a published writer.

Interdependence

I was thinking about how people, desires, dreams, and needs are connected.  And so I pose these questions...

When he wants and calls to what he perceives as love and that love responds to his calls...is it okay? 
When that love wants and he responds to that love calling...is that okay? 
When his vowed love cries out to him as he wants his perceived love does he ignore his vowed loved cries to be where he smiles?
When his vowed love calls out to him and he chooses to ignore what is the response?

If ALL is energy and spirit and energy is power.. when cries and calls are answered and ignored, how does energy and spirit restore the balance?

Just asking

....

Taking a pause..6 days before my 42nd birthday and I've got a number of things on my mind.  I've got memories that I need to sort through. Not much shopping to get done but then again...not much money to do it with anyway.  Taking this time or some of it...to think about ME.

I'd love to unplug but that's not possible just yet.  Soon my time will come and I'll grab a hold of it with such passion that I'm sure others will feel the ripple.  Slowly I embrace this pause in my life...stretching it out for as long as I can make it last..

Over kill

I apologize for my harshness yet sometimes it's necessary to go to the EDGE of an emotion to release it all.  I hope you can understand that I am tired of pain. I'm tired of hurting and living with a broken heart.  I no longer want disappointments when I can control their existence.

Simply put...I don't want to commit a crime of passion just because it feels good.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FFOzayDpWoI

"Heaven help me for the way I am 
Save me from these evil deeds 

Before I get them done 

I know tomorrow brings the consequence 

At hand 

But I keep livin' this day like 

The next will never come "

I was way in over my head. Caught up in a passion so intense that I lost my ability to...   As Jill Scott sings, 

The rain was fallin and,and slowly and sweetly and stinging my eyes
And I could not see that he became my voodoo priest
And I was his faithful concubine
Wide open,wide,loose like bowels after collard greens

The mistake was made

Love slipped from my lips

Dripped down my chin and landed in his lap

And us became new

Now me non-clairvoyant and in love

Made the coochie easy and the obvious invisible

The rain was falling

And I couldn't see the season changing

And the vibe slipping off it's axis

Our beautiful melody became wildly staccato

The rain was falling and I could not see

That I was to be plowed and sowed and fertilized

I never knew that I had given up soo much of me to someone that was not, could not adequately care for me as I deserved.  Was it wrong? Yes for so many reasons. Was it wrong? no, because it unlocked a place in me that was silent and now speaks although now only in a whisper because I still have so much work to do on me...to be ready for one that's really for me.

"can you sit with pain, mine or your own, without moving to hide it or fade it, or fix it."

I feel you moving, slipping away

I try to call, but I can't find the words to say

My lips move, ah but they don't make a sound

I hear your voice baby, but you're nowhere around

I close my eyes, I can't find my sleep

My wounds will not heal, you cut me too deep

My mind is strong but my spirit is weak

I got to get back on my feet

Well, you can be so cruel

Oh, that I just don't understand

Do the tears that I cry baby

Hey, does it make you feel like a man

And I told you once boy, 

Oh baby let me tell you again

You can't do right cause you're the 

Wrong man

I hear you calling, but I ain't no fool

I've got to be stronger

I've got to get over you

Each time I cry, its a sign of my pain

Every tear that falls, carries your name

All I know is it cannot go on

Everything I do for you is wrong

Ain't nothing I can say or can do

I just got to, I gotta get up child

I gotta move

Hear me baby

Tell me what you want me to do

Ain't my, my my my, ain't my lovin good enough for you

I told you once boy, baby lemme tell you again

You can't do right cause...

You know I love you

But sometimes love ain't enough

And I don't wanna leave you

Baby but I'm giving you up

And I told you once boy

And I don't wanna tell you again

You can't do right cause 

You're the wrong man

You can't do right baby

 I'd rather lose you, 

Than to lose my mind

A space in the middle

There is a place where I must go...no one can follow.

Knock ...I will not come out...I wish to be alone

Call or text and the responses will be on auto pilot...void of feeling

I need to clear the crude inside from my last fiasco...

Please stand by...I'm sure like the Phoenix....

I will...

In this Fog...

Can't find my peace, my pulse, my heart beat.

Can't locate my purpose, my reason, my logic

Can't find my voice, my vibration, my SOURCE

In this fog I feel the thumping... faint

In this fog I vibrate at a frequency...low

In this fog I think but not.... clearly

Closing my tear-filled eyes so I silence the NOISE of my shatteredheart

to redefine..my center, my smile, MY LIFE

I seek the impossible....

I find that I'm on a quest for the impossible. Transparency.  To be as open and vulnerable as I can stand without becoming a PUNK in the process.

I say an impossible quest because as someone who changes and shifts from day to day, breathe to breathe, transparency can be challenging.  I mean at the core I can be transparent I really believe I can however my outer shell may shift shape or decor which may lead some to think the core has changed. NOT TRUE.

I may change my scent, my hair, my style of dress or the things that interest me however at the core...I'm fighting to be transparent. See through me to the other side of you. hmmm now there's a concept.  See through me to the other side of you.

If you recognize that we all are one...this won't be a mind bender however if you are wondering what my quest for transparency has to do with you...

Mama Odie say... "DIG DEEPER"

Just words...

My anger has subsided and been replaced with a smile.  A different kind of peace settles into the raw edges of my wounded heart. My smile is bright and clear,no mask.

A re-birthing of a feeling I've not felt in years about myself.  Can't go into detail just yet for I don't completely understand what's occurring, only time explain it.  I have learned patience (and not the one that used to live at my house!)  My tattoo is healing, about as quickly as my heart. 

And even though it's being described as raining and gloomy outside, my vision is full of light and joy!

Emerging...

Since we last touched I got a new tattoo, covering an older one but still considered my fourth one.

I'll let it speak for itself...for now...

Seeking Peace

My girlfriend said remember who I AM. in my mind I whispered "Peaceful Groove"
She repeated my words back to me.  Be careful what you put out there. You are a brilliant writer and no doubt you need to be mindful with your talent so it does not turn against you .    I know she's right.
Much too often we, in anger, say and do things that we good about in the moment releasing, (my recent voicemail message)  yet, feel later and most times are not clear where it came from.  I know better now.

Yes my heart hurts (it was sooo damn fragile to begin with I never ...yes my self worth is shattered...again. However because I have different and more effective "tools" this time around I know how to heal differently. I refuse to hide and stuff my pain or disappointment and I won't destroy those that cause me dis-ease, in the process.

I give my word. I KNOW that I have that ability to destroy with vengeance. 

I'm going to shed this brokenness ,not  piece it together but this time I'm going to let it completely DIE away.  Let it go.  NO hate or revenge (even though I said I HATED HIM) I don't.  For once in a long time with him, I felt alive again.  I actually felt sexy, pretty and attractive.  I felt more like a woman that I have in years and I wasn't faking it. He reminded me of that side of me I shut down almost a decade ago.  Was that his purpose in my life?


So i'm laying down my armor, my machetes and venom to completely re-lease...re-rejuvenate...and re-create ME.

I will to the best of my human ability not fall prey to such blatant abuse of LOVE again.  In THIS lesson I am reminded that there are no substitutions, replacements or duplicates of REAL LOVE.  There is ONLY LOVE and it don't PLAY at all.

I instead choose to stand before my Ancestors...naked, bruised, and broken READY to be REBORN through their hands, love and guidance. 

I'm READY.... to be made READY to be the ME I was born to be

His lies...so I can remember not to fall again..

"If ever you find yourself wondering how long this can continue, take pride in knowing that it isn't temporary.  If ever you find yourself wondering how this can be, find solace in the fact that energy in its purest form, can not be destroyed. IF you EVER find yourself wondering, entertaining uncertainty, about the longevity of this reality...KNOW...that"


I am a....

..

"You are Simply Beautiful to me..."  (especially when your legs are wrapped around me)
"I did tell you that I desire to touch your skin tonight right?" (but I'm not in this just for the sex...BULLSHIT)
"I'm sorry about your history  of disappointments but know that I am not like them" ( I am worse)
"for every pound that occurs, I'll hold you closer. For every "eye opening" experience, I'll hold you tighter. For every bite ofyour lip, I'll kiss you longer.  I'm the other part."  (I'm the shit you need to wipe off your ass and flush down the toilet)

"Be good to you...and know that none of it was a game or in vain.  I am ONLY sorry for the timing; nothing else" (oh and that I got caught AGAIN!)

(look into my eyes and be FOOLED so I can FUCK YOU...and dog you after I get caught!)

"Again NOT what I want. I dont want you to be the fantasy, the pretend queen, the other woman. EVERYTHING I've said to you, EVERYTHING has been sincere, heartfelt and true. (LIAR) with the exception of the one like I told, my heart has been transparent to you (ANOTHER LIE..forgot to tell me that you only see me when you are bored )ONE OF the many things that hurt me so badly about this email is your confident assumption that I'm full of shit and just want...(insert P word here) " I think this is when he tried to make me think he was so hurt that he was crying...LIAR

Oh and the other poem of lies...

"created from the essence of beauty, You've captured my heart, breathed life into my faith, given energy to purpose, today and eternally" BULLSHIT

"Your longing gaze holds me still unlike any I've met, You bring peace to my world, setting my heart at east, discontent has ceased, every moment that's shared, I will never forget." (this would mean after she goes to sleep I come to you and I LIE to her as I have for over 15 yrs!)

"To you I pledge an eternal kiss (Kiss from a deadly serpent slithering LIAR), "As long as..."is our blueprint,..."

You brought nothing but deceit, selfishness and lies.  I was another victim  to practice your LIES on and I fell for them. 


NEVER AGAIN will I allow any muthafucka that close to my soul..YOU as many men do...HAVE RUINED a GOOD sistah with your selfish ass ways!!! 

...

NO more...

I really thought that maybe...

I really thought I was finally worth it to someone...

I really thought I was beautiful to someone...

I really thought I was phenomenal to someone...

I really thought I was missed by someone...

I really thought I was loved by someone...

I was only a hole to place his dick inside

I was only a place to practice his "game"

I was only beautiful with him between my thighs

I was only phenomenal when I made his dick jump

I was only loved when I said yes to him

No more...will I open my heart to anyone
No more...will I share what I fear with anyone

No more...will I speak what's on my spirit

No more...will I trust a man who says I am his prayers answered

No more...will I doubt my own voice of discernment

Backed up....

I have come to the conclusion that I am in need of an enema of my soul.  I feel clogged up.  I initially thought it was other people unable to fulfill my bottomless appetite for adventure, romance and love (and this may still be true) however....

I am constipated.

No matter how much I push and push and push there is something right there at the very edge that slides out then gets sucked back inside and I can feel it CHOKING ME. 

Emotions I have held in, comments I have withheld because the other person was not ready for my truth.  Now I look down and I can't see my feet because it's all choked up in my womb waiting to be birthed  or expelled and I wanna push but what if i get hemorrhoidal side affects because it's been up there so long?  I need to see where I'm grounded again because I'm really not sure where my feet are planted right now.  Is this clay or fertile soil that I'm attempting to sink into ? 

It's gotta come out.  Just gotta find the right combination of soothing agents to soften it up so it can slide out and I can exhale

Still there...

So I thought that it was safe...to stick my head out.  I thought I had suppressed it in that drawer behind the door, under the shelf in the corner.  Yet when I exhaled long enough to begin to slide "deliciously down" inside my soul to find a place to fall apart and BE... I felt a hand.


Rrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrreeeeeeeeeeeaching.  

How could there still be a desire to reach for me in the midst of all that is occurring?

Warm, inviting hands with arms attached to wrap around me and squeeze out the contents I just spent hours smashing in a drawer in the corner behind the... SHIT. *sigh.

I can't hide because...

I don't want to

But  if I don't  then the lesson

 will

be

missed.

I am reaching back however ONLY because I need to

MOOOOOOOOOOOOVVVEEEE

me outta of the way so that the Universe, Ancestors and Energies can speak to that which needs to be

Heard

and

Experienced

I'm just a vessel

And then there was me...

Today is the first day of returning fully to me.  I didn't get off track, I didn't even lose my way I just took a sidebar for a minute to indulge in someone else loving on me besides me. It's nice to take the burden off of me sometimes and allow someone else to appreciate my GREATNESS  roflmao

 i spent yesterday in full mourning.  Today we wean. We move into a modified routine of what existed before the sidebar.  I'll be making a list of modifications for the new routine because if I don't...I'll be thrown off and end up in a tailspin whining about what is no more.

he says he still smells me...My heart flutters because I can feel him in my neck sniffing, kissing and caressing the way a man does to a woman he adores.  Exhaling I allow that memory to be archived in the file of  "I want a man that does this"  

See this won't be too bad.  I'll be okay as long as I focus on growth and not stagnation. IF I allowed myself to investigate the WHY as if something were wrong with me then I'd be all eff'd up in the head. There is NOTHING wrong with me. I obviously needed to be held and caressed so I got it...Now I need to get back to work.  


With that...I smell Breakfast. I have a lot to accomplish today...

As Long As…

If ever you find yourself wondering how long this can continue, take pride in knowing that it isn’t temporary. If ever you find yourself wondering how this can be, find solace in the fact that energy, in its purest form, can not be destroyed. IF you EVER find yourself wondering, entertaining uncertainty, about the longevity of this reality, KNOW…that…

As long as oxygen is imperative for life,

I will cherish every moment share.

As long as the wind continues to blow,

I will make you feel what you’ve desired for so long.

As long as blood flows through the veins of every human being,

I will ensure your complete satisfaction is principle amongst my goals.

As long as the sun rises and sets,

I will respect, listen, and value your thoughts, ideas, and opinions.

As long as the moon illuminates the sky every night,

I will hold you close enough to feel your heartbeat.

As long as the earth remains tilted on its axis,

I will love you deeper than you expect.

As long as the sun provides heat,

I will exceed every expectation of your life’s experience with men.

As long as the stars shine brightly in the night,

I will shatter every reason you have to not trust.

As long as a mother continues to love her child like no other,

I will forever explore the tangible and intangible of what makes you you.

As long as the collective size of the oceans dwarf the total availability of land

I will never cease the pursuit of our growth.

As long as you the Creator sees fit to allow your energy to exist,

I will immerse myself in the magnificence of its radiance.

As long as the there are seven continents to walk and five oceans to sail

I will work to recreate that which makes this what it is.

As long as the very air we breathe is available for use,

I will labor without pause to ensure you continue to smile.

As long as time is possible and the universe is without boundaries

This connection will last…………….

As long as…

Deliciously attempting to slide down to where I hurt the least

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mAndcF503p0

I need some sweet to soothe my inside

I need some soft to lay down my pride

I need some tears to rain down on me

To melt my memory

I need to slide deliciously down

To where I hurt the least

I need high prayers to breathe through

I need to shine like I used to and i

Know that I’m not supposed to be for nothing

I need a breeze to carry me safe

I need some peace to find my way

I need a song to hold in my palm

And feel the love that made me

I need to slide deliciously down

To where I hurt the least

I need high prayers to breathe through and i

Need to shine like I used to and i

Know that I’m not supposed to be for nothing

I need some love to open my heart

I need a space to fall apart

I need a star for every dream

Do you know what I mean

I need to slide deliciously down

To where I hurt the least

Unfolding

 

We are but a small experience inside of a HUGE movement of love

A moment of clarity

Just for a moment, you heard me. You understood what I was attempting to do. For a moment you got it and you were okay being here with me the way that I see us being.

You understood that it wasn't necessary to speak about anything other than what we were feeling right then and there and it was okay to feel it completely.

For a moment you were okay falling into me and allowing me to really surround you in all your vulnerability and you weren't afraid, you knew that my love would hold you. 

You were okay with your nakedness in my presence and admitting the truth about who you are and who I am and what we are and what we...aren't  (right now) and it's okay because even if we never get to where you see us in your dreams...

We are somewhere now so very special and so very sacred that you will, I will take this moment with us forever.  This moment when time seemed to pause and allow us to dwell in each other and experience what an open heart feels like.

For a moment you were with me, stepping into my world and although you were not familiar with the space you felt welcomed and comfortable.

And as words from your lips caused your reality to clash with your desires, I watched you exit and leave me watching you from inside my heart.

But for a moment...you let me love you and I look forward to seeing you again soon.

I almost fell again...

"It felt good, smelled good, tasted good yet it wasn't much different than what I've had before"

I almost got GOT!.  Falling for a man who ain't ready to be what I need and deserve however wants me to believe that I'm not ready. HELL I KNOW I ain't ready I'm busy working on me.  Maybe he's a distraction sent by the Universe to test me.  Maybe he's here for the purpose that he's here for and I'm trying to distort it with my humanness?  Whatever the case my eyes are WIDE open now. 

I won't be punked by Kutcher or anybody else.  I acknowledge that it feels good, sounds good and puts an intense smile on my heart (which by the way has been functioning at below normal happiness for a minute now) however anything more than that is a NEGATIVE.  I can't hold it, keep it, it ain't MINE to own or possess so it's just an illusion right? 

I won't belittle it, for whatever it is with us, is real and comforting when it's there however it ain't been much more than that in reality.  I would love to get lost in the potential but I can't be that kinda fool again.  I'll be a different kinda fool but sorry I've been that idiot before for someone else. 

So with  my eyes open I engaged my mouth and thoughts and spoke what I observed and  *crickets then again it IS football Sunday  anywho... I ain't about to lose no sleep or time on it.  Off I go to my next at home adventure.