I wish I knew

I wish I knew how to not feel so isolated and lonely. I wish it didn't hurt so much to look at my accomplishments and there's rarely if ever anyone to share them with so I just keep it moving.

I wish that I was good enough to be more than the side chick, the inbetween chick, the transitional, rebound chick.  I know I am but it seems that I keep ending up in situations where..I end up being just that.

I wish I could cry and my nose didn't stop up and turn red. I wish someone would know how to love me like really love me like I know how to love them.  Is it so difficult?  I know that I'm sexy, sensuous and adorable but can we get beyond that?
Can we love me enough to penetrate my soul?  And not just for the purposes of seeing if it can be done. I"m not a challenge or conquest I'm human. I'm a woman who is not feeling loved.

There doesn't seem to be enough of anyone for me. I get the leftovers. Am I settling for the leftovers? no but hell that's all that comes served up on my plate these days.

I wish I knew how to know that someone was incapable of loving me so I wouldn't even waste my time getting to know them thus knowing me because the more I know about me the further away from the world I seem to grow and I feel like i'm in between realms of reality that no one else is a part of yet.  So I float here in limbo and folks think it cool and exciting that I"m out here and they really don't wanna know me they just wanna experience the floating that I'm doing and i get so lonely out here that I take them by the hand so they can experience what it is to be in my space and they love it here but they can't seem to breathe here for long or their attention span is too short. Mike did tell me that I was high maintenance.  LOL

I wish I didn't hurt so much more during moontime than I do during the other times of the month.  I can't conceal this pain much anymore. I need to be able to love someone because I'm forgetting who I am only who I've been.  you don't understand that..can't understand that can you?  All you know is what the movies say but do you KNOW who you are? Have you tried to get acquainted with who you are?  If you did...maybe I wouldn't hurt so like I do in the darkness when all are asleep and I can't because I"m up crying ...

wishing I could stop the pain and aching in the middle of my core that is wanting to be with someone who is able to stand in love with me.  dont' fall for me...stand for me.

just words

My head hurts, my heart is beating and my breathing is somewhat normal but what's on my plate is feeling like more than I can handle.

I want to cry but the tears stop at the corners and the lump never rises in my throat enough to choke me.  I should be doing homework but I keep floating into a thoughtless mood, staring out the window listening to the rain fall against the house.  I want to be held, caressed not penetrated or sexed just held. 

sometimes that's so much more difficult for anyone to do.  it's easier to just thrust and probe rather than just to hold my heart. today I need my heart held. 

Long sighs and faraway thoughts of emptiness. is this melancholy or sadness?  It's not depression because I'm not that overwhelmed.  I have limited funds yet I have all basic necessities and some extras.  Just not in abundance as normal. 

well guess i'll get to gettin to my work so i'm not adding stress into my overwhelm.