...

NO more...

I really thought that maybe...

I really thought I was finally worth it to someone...

I really thought I was beautiful to someone...

I really thought I was phenomenal to someone...

I really thought I was missed by someone...

I really thought I was loved by someone...

I was only a hole to place his dick inside

I was only a place to practice his "game"

I was only beautiful with him between my thighs

I was only phenomenal when I made his dick jump

I was only loved when I said yes to him

No more...will I open my heart to anyone
No more...will I share what I fear with anyone

No more...will I speak what's on my spirit

No more...will I trust a man who says I am his prayers answered

No more...will I doubt my own voice of discernment

Backed up....

I have come to the conclusion that I am in need of an enema of my soul.  I feel clogged up.  I initially thought it was other people unable to fulfill my bottomless appetite for adventure, romance and love (and this may still be true) however....

I am constipated.

No matter how much I push and push and push there is something right there at the very edge that slides out then gets sucked back inside and I can feel it CHOKING ME. 

Emotions I have held in, comments I have withheld because the other person was not ready for my truth.  Now I look down and I can't see my feet because it's all choked up in my womb waiting to be birthed  or expelled and I wanna push but what if i get hemorrhoidal side affects because it's been up there so long?  I need to see where I'm grounded again because I'm really not sure where my feet are planted right now.  Is this clay or fertile soil that I'm attempting to sink into ? 

It's gotta come out.  Just gotta find the right combination of soothing agents to soften it up so it can slide out and I can exhale

Still there...

So I thought that it was safe...to stick my head out.  I thought I had suppressed it in that drawer behind the door, under the shelf in the corner.  Yet when I exhaled long enough to begin to slide "deliciously down" inside my soul to find a place to fall apart and BE... I felt a hand.


Rrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrreeeeeeeeeeeaching.  

How could there still be a desire to reach for me in the midst of all that is occurring?

Warm, inviting hands with arms attached to wrap around me and squeeze out the contents I just spent hours smashing in a drawer in the corner behind the... SHIT. *sigh.

I can't hide because...

I don't want to

But  if I don't  then the lesson

 will

be

missed.

I am reaching back however ONLY because I need to

MOOOOOOOOOOOOVVVEEEE

me outta of the way so that the Universe, Ancestors and Energies can speak to that which needs to be

Heard

and

Experienced

I'm just a vessel

And then there was me...

Today is the first day of returning fully to me.  I didn't get off track, I didn't even lose my way I just took a sidebar for a minute to indulge in someone else loving on me besides me. It's nice to take the burden off of me sometimes and allow someone else to appreciate my GREATNESS  roflmao

 i spent yesterday in full mourning.  Today we wean. We move into a modified routine of what existed before the sidebar.  I'll be making a list of modifications for the new routine because if I don't...I'll be thrown off and end up in a tailspin whining about what is no more.

he says he still smells me...My heart flutters because I can feel him in my neck sniffing, kissing and caressing the way a man does to a woman he adores.  Exhaling I allow that memory to be archived in the file of  "I want a man that does this"  

See this won't be too bad.  I'll be okay as long as I focus on growth and not stagnation. IF I allowed myself to investigate the WHY as if something were wrong with me then I'd be all eff'd up in the head. There is NOTHING wrong with me. I obviously needed to be held and caressed so I got it...Now I need to get back to work.  


With that...I smell Breakfast. I have a lot to accomplish today...

As Long As…

If ever you find yourself wondering how long this can continue, take pride in knowing that it isn’t temporary. If ever you find yourself wondering how this can be, find solace in the fact that energy, in its purest form, can not be destroyed. IF you EVER find yourself wondering, entertaining uncertainty, about the longevity of this reality, KNOW…that…

As long as oxygen is imperative for life,

I will cherish every moment share.

As long as the wind continues to blow,

I will make you feel what you’ve desired for so long.

As long as blood flows through the veins of every human being,

I will ensure your complete satisfaction is principle amongst my goals.

As long as the sun rises and sets,

I will respect, listen, and value your thoughts, ideas, and opinions.

As long as the moon illuminates the sky every night,

I will hold you close enough to feel your heartbeat.

As long as the earth remains tilted on its axis,

I will love you deeper than you expect.

As long as the sun provides heat,

I will exceed every expectation of your life’s experience with men.

As long as the stars shine brightly in the night,

I will shatter every reason you have to not trust.

As long as a mother continues to love her child like no other,

I will forever explore the tangible and intangible of what makes you you.

As long as the collective size of the oceans dwarf the total availability of land

I will never cease the pursuit of our growth.

As long as you the Creator sees fit to allow your energy to exist,

I will immerse myself in the magnificence of its radiance.

As long as the there are seven continents to walk and five oceans to sail

I will work to recreate that which makes this what it is.

As long as the very air we breathe is available for use,

I will labor without pause to ensure you continue to smile.

As long as time is possible and the universe is without boundaries

This connection will last…………….

As long as…

Deliciously attempting to slide down to where I hurt the least

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mAndcF503p0

I need some sweet to soothe my inside

I need some soft to lay down my pride

I need some tears to rain down on me

To melt my memory

I need to slide deliciously down

To where I hurt the least

I need high prayers to breathe through

I need to shine like I used to and i

Know that I’m not supposed to be for nothing

I need a breeze to carry me safe

I need some peace to find my way

I need a song to hold in my palm

And feel the love that made me

I need to slide deliciously down

To where I hurt the least

I need high prayers to breathe through and i

Need to shine like I used to and i

Know that I’m not supposed to be for nothing

I need some love to open my heart

I need a space to fall apart

I need a star for every dream

Do you know what I mean

I need to slide deliciously down

To where I hurt the least

Unfolding

 

We are but a small experience inside of a HUGE movement of love

A moment of clarity

Just for a moment, you heard me. You understood what I was attempting to do. For a moment you got it and you were okay being here with me the way that I see us being.

You understood that it wasn't necessary to speak about anything other than what we were feeling right then and there and it was okay to feel it completely.

For a moment you were okay falling into me and allowing me to really surround you in all your vulnerability and you weren't afraid, you knew that my love would hold you. 

You were okay with your nakedness in my presence and admitting the truth about who you are and who I am and what we are and what we...aren't  (right now) and it's okay because even if we never get to where you see us in your dreams...

We are somewhere now so very special and so very sacred that you will, I will take this moment with us forever.  This moment when time seemed to pause and allow us to dwell in each other and experience what an open heart feels like.

For a moment you were with me, stepping into my world and although you were not familiar with the space you felt welcomed and comfortable.

And as words from your lips caused your reality to clash with your desires, I watched you exit and leave me watching you from inside my heart.

But for a moment...you let me love you and I look forward to seeing you again soon.

I almost fell again...

"It felt good, smelled good, tasted good yet it wasn't much different than what I've had before"

I almost got GOT!.  Falling for a man who ain't ready to be what I need and deserve however wants me to believe that I'm not ready. HELL I KNOW I ain't ready I'm busy working on me.  Maybe he's a distraction sent by the Universe to test me.  Maybe he's here for the purpose that he's here for and I'm trying to distort it with my humanness?  Whatever the case my eyes are WIDE open now. 

I won't be punked by Kutcher or anybody else.  I acknowledge that it feels good, sounds good and puts an intense smile on my heart (which by the way has been functioning at below normal happiness for a minute now) however anything more than that is a NEGATIVE.  I can't hold it, keep it, it ain't MINE to own or possess so it's just an illusion right? 

I won't belittle it, for whatever it is with us, is real and comforting when it's there however it ain't been much more than that in reality.  I would love to get lost in the potential but I can't be that kinda fool again.  I'll be a different kinda fool but sorry I've been that idiot before for someone else. 

So with  my eyes open I engaged my mouth and thoughts and spoke what I observed and  *crickets then again it IS football Sunday  anywho... I ain't about to lose no sleep or time on it.  Off I go to my next at home adventure.