Black hole

That black hole feeling is back again. The one that appears when I realize that I'm in a relationship that is going no fucking where.  When the red flags are so damn huge and waving that they choke me as they slap me upside my head.  Once again, I gave too much. I thought I had it all under control. I knew better than to get involved with someone so fresh out of a relationship. I knew better than to believe that it was me that he wanted to be with.  I knew better and still I didn't listen to me.

So the black hole opened up and now I'm inside it again.  No boundaries, no sight at some intervals...no air. I can't breathe because the wind has been knocked outta me by REALITY.  I tried to rationalize things however when I sat, alone in silence as prescribed by my godfather...it was soo damn loud I swear my ears were beginning to bleed. 

He's just not that into you chic.  He is not thoughtful or transparent. He is not decisive or wanting to be with you. You KNOW this you KNEW this and yet you in desperation to not be alone...opened up to him anyway.  So now I sit inside this black hole and I know that I called it forth. I fed it. 

I wanna cry but why shed tears for such familiarity? 

I wish I knew

I wish I knew how to not feel so isolated and lonely. I wish it didn't hurt so much to look at my accomplishments and there's rarely if ever anyone to share them with so I just keep it moving.

I wish that I was good enough to be more than the side chick, the inbetween chick, the transitional, rebound chick.  I know I am but it seems that I keep ending up in situations where..I end up being just that.

I wish I could cry and my nose didn't stop up and turn red. I wish someone would know how to love me like really love me like I know how to love them.  Is it so difficult?  I know that I'm sexy, sensuous and adorable but can we get beyond that?
Can we love me enough to penetrate my soul?  And not just for the purposes of seeing if it can be done. I"m not a challenge or conquest I'm human. I'm a woman who is not feeling loved.

There doesn't seem to be enough of anyone for me. I get the leftovers. Am I settling for the leftovers? no but hell that's all that comes served up on my plate these days.

I wish I knew how to know that someone was incapable of loving me so I wouldn't even waste my time getting to know them thus knowing me because the more I know about me the further away from the world I seem to grow and I feel like i'm in between realms of reality that no one else is a part of yet.  So I float here in limbo and folks think it cool and exciting that I"m out here and they really don't wanna know me they just wanna experience the floating that I'm doing and i get so lonely out here that I take them by the hand so they can experience what it is to be in my space and they love it here but they can't seem to breathe here for long or their attention span is too short. Mike did tell me that I was high maintenance.  LOL

I wish I didn't hurt so much more during moontime than I do during the other times of the month.  I can't conceal this pain much anymore. I need to be able to love someone because I'm forgetting who I am only who I've been.  you don't understand that..can't understand that can you?  All you know is what the movies say but do you KNOW who you are? Have you tried to get acquainted with who you are?  If you did...maybe I wouldn't hurt so like I do in the darkness when all are asleep and I can't because I"m up crying ...

wishing I could stop the pain and aching in the middle of my core that is wanting to be with someone who is able to stand in love with me.  dont' fall for me...stand for me.

just words

My head hurts, my heart is beating and my breathing is somewhat normal but what's on my plate is feeling like more than I can handle.

I want to cry but the tears stop at the corners and the lump never rises in my throat enough to choke me.  I should be doing homework but I keep floating into a thoughtless mood, staring out the window listening to the rain fall against the house.  I want to be held, caressed not penetrated or sexed just held. 

sometimes that's so much more difficult for anyone to do.  it's easier to just thrust and probe rather than just to hold my heart. today I need my heart held. 

Long sighs and faraway thoughts of emptiness. is this melancholy or sadness?  It's not depression because I'm not that overwhelmed.  I have limited funds yet I have all basic necessities and some extras.  Just not in abundance as normal. 

well guess i'll get to gettin to my work so i'm not adding stress into my overwhelm. 

It all looks good to me right about now.

Looks are deceiving and everything that looks like it fits...ain't a match.  However, in my push to get my head into my studies ALMOST anything that offers comfort, no stress and no drama is welcome. Yep I said it.

If it makes me feel good, gets the kinks outta my neck and shoulders and helps me sleep better at night then BRANG it on!!!

However...if it gets in the way of my studies, causes me to lose sleep or stresses me out because i'm asked too many dang questions that dont' pertain to school or making ME feel good then it needs get them BEHIND ME!! LOL

Okay enough of that off to study.

 

My happy thought is about a person that reminds me that I'm a woman.  The person that reminds me that the very essence of who I am is intoxicating and he hungers for me often.  My happy thought is about how I affect him and he me.  How in his arms I am all woman and as much as I try to fight the feelings that arise, I can not in his presence.

I am vulnerable in his embrace. I am wanting in his presence. I am eager to be held, touched, smelled, loved by him.  Yet when he gets close, when he shows up, I adamantly resist this reality. Foolish I know however to give in so easily to what pleases me would be so mundane so I push against it as if to confirm that it is for me and only me.  And it is.  He smiles and my efforts and waits patiently for my arms, limbs, heart to tire of the battle.  When I am spent, he reaches for me and covering my mouth with his he revitalizes my spirit, loving on me from the inside out and then steps back...knowing that his little warrior will only use this energy to fight again.

I am his and he knows it.  He loves the feistyness of who I am and when I surrender I surrender completely.  Do I allow him to win? NOPE he is a suitable opponent. Cunning, convincing, sly and sophisticated in his seduction tactics.  I live for his skill and yet I possess a few "juju" tricks of my own.  With each kiss I pause to INHALE him, stealing just enough of his essence to keep me reminded of why...

He is my happy thought. someone that I don't have to explain much to however don't mind when it is necessary. 

I want my happy thought all the time...all the time.

The burden I bear

yes as the title states and the picture reflects I see my heart as a burden.  It's this HUGE monstrosity that I lug around that has all sorts of dents and bruises that i'm left to deal with.  I've always felt like that kid that brought enough for every one in the class however always seemed to be the only one that never received anything.  I was the one no one picked in PE, no one picked at recess. 

now i'm much older and still I feel like i'm the one that no one picks.  Yet i'm the one they have no hesitation in asking something from.  Advice, my time, money, etc etc...but who gives to me?

Yes i'm in one of THOSE mooods this evening.  Hopefully sunlight brings something different and lighter

A valentine for my past...

I'm thinking about you and how you would say my name. The way your voice trailed off at the end and that sexy smile would emerge.  I miss that...have I told you? of course not, that's not allowed in this space and time of us.  Things have changed but there was a once upon a time when nothing was off limits with you and I.  So in tuned that we  read each other's thoughts before they hit the air.  Was that love? My bestest buddy...

I remember how you would hold my hand like a father holds a daughter's, like a husband holds a wife's, like a guardian of a soul...you held so much more than my hand each time you reached for me.  In your presence I lay down my artillery and let you be... the man...a man.  Looking up to you, towering over me always placing that frontal lobe kiss of reassurance and I closed my eyes each time...able to exhale and be a woman...safely.

Somewhere in that time I found a piece of me that I haven't been able to find when I'm alone.  That safe space of being a woman, enjoying the sight of myself. I was able to enjoy the softness of my skin and appreciate my natural scent mingled with traces of baby lotion, egyptian musk or shea butter.  Mostly I found it was easier to breath in that space, to cry and release what was inside without time restraints worrying about how long do I have to BE.

I miss you. I miss your chocolate smooth skin again my caramel lightness. I miss your scent  lingering in my skin, hair, clothes. I miss your hands around my waist always seeming to secure my balance literally and figuratively.  I miss passionate kisses and flushed faces in cars on the ride from airports. I miss showers in the dark and the sound of your heart against my head as I lay on your chest when the world was just too much to bear.  Was I there when the world was too much for you? I hope so...

I recall conversations that pushed me and moved me to depths where I didn't think I could exhale thoughts into. I miss silence and deep penetrating gazes, your soul reaching into mine caressing the fragile girl inside of me.  No I am not broken...no I am not desperate. I just wanted to love someone and you let me love you in a way that I have never been able to duplicate.  With you, I gave freely, yet I always in all this...still held back, not because of you but those that had been close to me before. Still you tried to be there.

I thank you for the experience of learning about the unfolding of relationships from strangers in a fast food restaurant to lasting touches upon souls. With you Khalil Gibran's words  on love came to life for me.  I was shaken at my very core and never realized how much until it was  all over.  I laid to loving and being loved by you.  It's taken me almost 10 years to fully begin to understand what I was blessed to experience of myself and you...and it doesn't matter because I KNOW that somewhere there will be a time again for us to pause from our busy lives...look into one another's souls and smile at the friendship that will never die.

My bestest buddy...always.


Happy Valentine's day.

Submerged in?????

Touched again
Inhaled again
Caressed again
Kissed again

Tears came to my eyes as I felt his breathe on my neck, caressing, kneading and firmly gripping me exactly where he knew my body would respond only to him.  Preventing me from opening my eyes so as to only feel his presence...I went under...gave in to the intoxication of him reminding me that there was a time when he loved my body and resurrected the woman locked inside.

So much pain, too much pain (too busy with life to deal with it right now...maybe later)

A tear escapes
he didn't see it, or feel it...he was pulling and tugging at the fortress I've surrounded myself in

again

I miss the dream of  being his beautiful black woman...maybe?

mmmmmm.....

Nice huh?  I thought so too.  wouldn't it be nice if that were my leg over his shoulder enjoying the....SMACK

Okay back to reality. None of this will be occurring for me over the next 4 months. WHY? I have an impossible schedule this semester. I decided to stop working and take on school full time and with this KILLER schedule I won't have time to even day or night dream about anything depicted in this photo. The only thing that will be hugging me are books...Statistics, Calculus and Philosophy oh and French.

I even have the nerve to take a Modern Dance class where I'll have to choreograph and piece and perform it. WTF????

I am intimidated. I am overwhelmed. My head is spinning however I asked for this challenge.  Presently I begin this adventure with a 3.44 GPA lets see if I can maintain it or increase it. I would prefer to increase it however it's gonna require a level of discipline, focus and perseverance that I'll have to DIG DEEPLY to get.  Money will potentially be TIGHT and I guess I'll invest in new pillows because that's all that I'll have time to hold on to. 

A few friends are around as I help them through some stuff but I've already begun the weaning process.  I need all my brain cells. AND I'm part of an anthology that is to be released in March?!! YEP it's going to be tight.  But I"m up for the challenge. 

I even have a few incentives to motivate me.  So no late night flings or rendevous, no time to banter on twitter or text msgs.  Maybe an occasional scream on Facebook but mostly...studying and studying and studying.

See ya at Midterms...

I hope to see this chocolate man...in June..What pleasant surprise.

Pacing myself

So I have 6 days before I begin school. Things are going okay so far.  I'm meeting new people and sharing my space a little differently these days.  My love life is not full of love like I dream but it's full of love that has the potential to grow me.

I'm excited about what this first quarter of the year holds for me.  A freedom to return to who I was and push her forward HARD.  School course load will be challenging.  Parenting style MUST change. Longing to be held must take a back seat not that I don't have offers but I can't get caught up in something that distracts me from...ME

I am not going to run to fast with this, however I will not move at a snail's pace either.  I'm just moving. Soon I'll uncover my "groove" and then the movement and pace will be my own.  I figure if I dig deep enough, move some stuff around...it'll find me because to be honest, I don't remember what it feels like.

I walked back into my past a few times to see if I could sense it only to come up with dust.  So i'm just going to face forward and move...

At a pace that keeps my heart a little above normal and a little under stressed...

Somewhere in the middle is my peaceful groove...

My first new year reflection

Some won't understand this...it's okay it's not for you that I write.

I'm in a year of relationships: family, job, romantic, platonic...relationships no matter how you look at it.  In the past couple of weeks (because those that understand NRG know that it begins to shift around the 21st of the mth) I've been encountering relationships from my past.

I was flattered at first, the gentlemen who reappeared into my life wanting to reconnect with me and so in hesitation I phoned a new friend (another relationship) and said "DON'T FUCK THIS UP!" she laughed.  See she understood I wasn't speaking to her but to me through her.  I was very clear that although these guys were calling me, texting me, FB'n me, Tweet'n me that it was NOT for the purpose that one would see on the surface.

I had already been warned about this NRG approaching and I had been prescribed what to do...now my task was to remember what to do.  See my humanness, would immediately take it as flattery and assume that finally someone was here for me. NOT the case. These guys are here for me but not FOR me.  Some are here to repent (sort of make up for an eff up from some years ago) others seek some answers and possibly closure on the possibility of what they once felt. (could we be together?)  Others are just wounded and I know that I am a light that draws them near.  Key is...

DON'T FUCK THIS UP...keep your head on straight and just breathe through it all.

This shouldn't be too difficult.  See it's not just guys it's females as well. Not in a romantic wanna be with me sense but as friends. All of these relationships speak to the character of who I am becoming.  Some will bring baggage as reminders of who I was and where I've been. Temptations to revisit old habits that will take me off path or severely delay my forward progress.  All have the potential to become MAJOR distractions so

DON'T FUCK THIS UP...keep your head on straight and just breathe through it all.

I know that there are lessons that are being placed in front of me. Learning to love differently, mother differently, speak and listen differently. I'm working hard to get this lesson.  I have slipped already a few times and my feelings were bruised as a result.  Not even 15 days in and I'm in reflection mode. I guess that's a good sign.

Just DON'T FUCK THIS UP...

That I may touch your lips...

Lips touched, tongues searched, bodily fluids exchanged...communicating what?


There is soo much said in a kiss. So much revealed that you can't get back and sometimes can't duplicate or explain.  I don't kiss much because of the transparency it holds.  I can't kiss someone and they NOT know how I feel about them.  When I kiss, my essence flows into the other person; searching, probing for what and who they are. It's sort of Tantric how it all works.  Sometimes it's not to just inhale the other person; barely touching their lips. 

I remember a guy who would do everything EXCEPT kiss.  A kiss was soo sacred to him that he rarely did it.  I am not quite that way but close.  I don't just kiss everyone.  I was asked recently for a kiss and I smiled.  I knew the person wasn't ready for what I had however they insisted and when I pulled away afterwards they're eyes were still closed and all they could say was GOT DAMN WOMAN!!!


I will more than likely NEVER do that again. But at least they KNOW now that a kiss is more than lips pressing up against each other.

What is a kiss to you?