My happy thought is about a person that reminds me that I'm a woman.  The person that reminds me that the very essence of who I am is intoxicating and he hungers for me often.  My happy thought is about how I affect him and he me.  How in his arms I am all woman and as much as I try to fight the feelings that arise, I can not in his presence.

I am vulnerable in his embrace. I am wanting in his presence. I am eager to be held, touched, smelled, loved by him.  Yet when he gets close, when he shows up, I adamantly resist this reality. Foolish I know however to give in so easily to what pleases me would be so mundane so I push against it as if to confirm that it is for me and only me.  And it is.  He smiles and my efforts and waits patiently for my arms, limbs, heart to tire of the battle.  When I am spent, he reaches for me and covering my mouth with his he revitalizes my spirit, loving on me from the inside out and then steps back...knowing that his little warrior will only use this energy to fight again.

I am his and he knows it.  He loves the feistyness of who I am and when I surrender I surrender completely.  Do I allow him to win? NOPE he is a suitable opponent. Cunning, convincing, sly and sophisticated in his seduction tactics.  I live for his skill and yet I possess a few "juju" tricks of my own.  With each kiss I pause to INHALE him, stealing just enough of his essence to keep me reminded of why...

He is my happy thought. someone that I don't have to explain much to however don't mind when it is necessary. 

I want my happy thought all the time...all the time.

The burden I bear

yes as the title states and the picture reflects I see my heart as a burden.  It's this HUGE monstrosity that I lug around that has all sorts of dents and bruises that i'm left to deal with.  I've always felt like that kid that brought enough for every one in the class however always seemed to be the only one that never received anything.  I was the one no one picked in PE, no one picked at recess. 

now i'm much older and still I feel like i'm the one that no one picks.  Yet i'm the one they have no hesitation in asking something from.  Advice, my time, money, etc etc...but who gives to me?

Yes i'm in one of THOSE mooods this evening.  Hopefully sunlight brings something different and lighter

A valentine for my past...

I'm thinking about you and how you would say my name. The way your voice trailed off at the end and that sexy smile would emerge.  I miss that...have I told you? of course not, that's not allowed in this space and time of us.  Things have changed but there was a once upon a time when nothing was off limits with you and I.  So in tuned that we  read each other's thoughts before they hit the air.  Was that love? My bestest buddy...

I remember how you would hold my hand like a father holds a daughter's, like a husband holds a wife's, like a guardian of a soul...you held so much more than my hand each time you reached for me.  In your presence I lay down my artillery and let you be... the man...a man.  Looking up to you, towering over me always placing that frontal lobe kiss of reassurance and I closed my eyes each time...able to exhale and be a woman...safely.

Somewhere in that time I found a piece of me that I haven't been able to find when I'm alone.  That safe space of being a woman, enjoying the sight of myself. I was able to enjoy the softness of my skin and appreciate my natural scent mingled with traces of baby lotion, egyptian musk or shea butter.  Mostly I found it was easier to breath in that space, to cry and release what was inside without time restraints worrying about how long do I have to BE.

I miss you. I miss your chocolate smooth skin again my caramel lightness. I miss your scent  lingering in my skin, hair, clothes. I miss your hands around my waist always seeming to secure my balance literally and figuratively.  I miss passionate kisses and flushed faces in cars on the ride from airports. I miss showers in the dark and the sound of your heart against my head as I lay on your chest when the world was just too much to bear.  Was I there when the world was too much for you? I hope so...

I recall conversations that pushed me and moved me to depths where I didn't think I could exhale thoughts into. I miss silence and deep penetrating gazes, your soul reaching into mine caressing the fragile girl inside of me.  No I am not broken...no I am not desperate. I just wanted to love someone and you let me love you in a way that I have never been able to duplicate.  With you, I gave freely, yet I always in all this...still held back, not because of you but those that had been close to me before. Still you tried to be there.

I thank you for the experience of learning about the unfolding of relationships from strangers in a fast food restaurant to lasting touches upon souls. With you Khalil Gibran's words  on love came to life for me.  I was shaken at my very core and never realized how much until it was  all over.  I laid to loving and being loved by you.  It's taken me almost 10 years to fully begin to understand what I was blessed to experience of myself and you...and it doesn't matter because I KNOW that somewhere there will be a time again for us to pause from our busy lives...look into one another's souls and smile at the friendship that will never die.

My bestest buddy...always.


Happy Valentine's day.

Submerged in?????

Touched again
Inhaled again
Caressed again
Kissed again

Tears came to my eyes as I felt his breathe on my neck, caressing, kneading and firmly gripping me exactly where he knew my body would respond only to him.  Preventing me from opening my eyes so as to only feel his presence...I went under...gave in to the intoxication of him reminding me that there was a time when he loved my body and resurrected the woman locked inside.

So much pain, too much pain (too busy with life to deal with it right now...maybe later)

A tear escapes
he didn't see it, or feel it...he was pulling and tugging at the fortress I've surrounded myself in

again

I miss the dream of  being his beautiful black woman...maybe?