A valentine for my past...

I'm thinking about you and how you would say my name. The way your voice trailed off at the end and that sexy smile would emerge.  I miss that...have I told you? of course not, that's not allowed in this space and time of us.  Things have changed but there was a once upon a time when nothing was off limits with you and I.  So in tuned that we  read each other's thoughts before they hit the air.  Was that love? My bestest buddy...

I remember how you would hold my hand like a father holds a daughter's, like a husband holds a wife's, like a guardian of a soul...you held so much more than my hand each time you reached for me.  In your presence I lay down my artillery and let you be... the man...a man.  Looking up to you, towering over me always placing that frontal lobe kiss of reassurance and I closed my eyes each time...able to exhale and be a woman...safely.

Somewhere in that time I found a piece of me that I haven't been able to find when I'm alone.  That safe space of being a woman, enjoying the sight of myself. I was able to enjoy the softness of my skin and appreciate my natural scent mingled with traces of baby lotion, egyptian musk or shea butter.  Mostly I found it was easier to breath in that space, to cry and release what was inside without time restraints worrying about how long do I have to BE.

I miss you. I miss your chocolate smooth skin again my caramel lightness. I miss your scent  lingering in my skin, hair, clothes. I miss your hands around my waist always seeming to secure my balance literally and figuratively.  I miss passionate kisses and flushed faces in cars on the ride from airports. I miss showers in the dark and the sound of your heart against my head as I lay on your chest when the world was just too much to bear.  Was I there when the world was too much for you? I hope so...

I recall conversations that pushed me and moved me to depths where I didn't think I could exhale thoughts into. I miss silence and deep penetrating gazes, your soul reaching into mine caressing the fragile girl inside of me.  No I am not broken...no I am not desperate. I just wanted to love someone and you let me love you in a way that I have never been able to duplicate.  With you, I gave freely, yet I always in all this...still held back, not because of you but those that had been close to me before. Still you tried to be there.

I thank you for the experience of learning about the unfolding of relationships from strangers in a fast food restaurant to lasting touches upon souls. With you Khalil Gibran's words  on love came to life for me.  I was shaken at my very core and never realized how much until it was  all over.  I laid to loving and being loved by you.  It's taken me almost 10 years to fully begin to understand what I was blessed to experience of myself and you...and it doesn't matter because I KNOW that somewhere there will be a time again for us to pause from our busy lives...look into one another's souls and smile at the friendship that will never die.

My bestest buddy...always.


Happy Valentine's day.