Submerged in?????

Touched again
Inhaled again
Caressed again
Kissed again

Tears came to my eyes as I felt his breathe on my neck, caressing, kneading and firmly gripping me exactly where he knew my body would respond only to him.  Preventing me from opening my eyes so as to only feel his presence...I went under...gave in to the intoxication of him reminding me that there was a time when he loved my body and resurrected the woman locked inside.

So much pain, too much pain (too busy with life to deal with it right now...maybe later)

A tear escapes
he didn't see it, or feel it...he was pulling and tugging at the fortress I've surrounded myself in

again

I miss the dream of  being his beautiful black woman...maybe?

mmmmmm.....

Nice huh?  I thought so too.  wouldn't it be nice if that were my leg over his shoulder enjoying the....SMACK

Okay back to reality. None of this will be occurring for me over the next 4 months. WHY? I have an impossible schedule this semester. I decided to stop working and take on school full time and with this KILLER schedule I won't have time to even day or night dream about anything depicted in this photo. The only thing that will be hugging me are books...Statistics, Calculus and Philosophy oh and French.

I even have the nerve to take a Modern Dance class where I'll have to choreograph and piece and perform it. WTF????

I am intimidated. I am overwhelmed. My head is spinning however I asked for this challenge.  Presently I begin this adventure with a 3.44 GPA lets see if I can maintain it or increase it. I would prefer to increase it however it's gonna require a level of discipline, focus and perseverance that I'll have to DIG DEEPLY to get.  Money will potentially be TIGHT and I guess I'll invest in new pillows because that's all that I'll have time to hold on to. 

A few friends are around as I help them through some stuff but I've already begun the weaning process.  I need all my brain cells. AND I'm part of an anthology that is to be released in March?!! YEP it's going to be tight.  But I"m up for the challenge. 

I even have a few incentives to motivate me.  So no late night flings or rendevous, no time to banter on twitter or text msgs.  Maybe an occasional scream on Facebook but mostly...studying and studying and studying.

See ya at Midterms...

I hope to see this chocolate man...in June..What pleasant surprise.

Pacing myself

So I have 6 days before I begin school. Things are going okay so far.  I'm meeting new people and sharing my space a little differently these days.  My love life is not full of love like I dream but it's full of love that has the potential to grow me.

I'm excited about what this first quarter of the year holds for me.  A freedom to return to who I was and push her forward HARD.  School course load will be challenging.  Parenting style MUST change. Longing to be held must take a back seat not that I don't have offers but I can't get caught up in something that distracts me from...ME

I am not going to run to fast with this, however I will not move at a snail's pace either.  I'm just moving. Soon I'll uncover my "groove" and then the movement and pace will be my own.  I figure if I dig deep enough, move some stuff around...it'll find me because to be honest, I don't remember what it feels like.

I walked back into my past a few times to see if I could sense it only to come up with dust.  So i'm just going to face forward and move...

At a pace that keeps my heart a little above normal and a little under stressed...

Somewhere in the middle is my peaceful groove...

My first new year reflection

Some won't understand this...it's okay it's not for you that I write.

I'm in a year of relationships: family, job, romantic, platonic...relationships no matter how you look at it.  In the past couple of weeks (because those that understand NRG know that it begins to shift around the 21st of the mth) I've been encountering relationships from my past.

I was flattered at first, the gentlemen who reappeared into my life wanting to reconnect with me and so in hesitation I phoned a new friend (another relationship) and said "DON'T FUCK THIS UP!" she laughed.  See she understood I wasn't speaking to her but to me through her.  I was very clear that although these guys were calling me, texting me, FB'n me, Tweet'n me that it was NOT for the purpose that one would see on the surface.

I had already been warned about this NRG approaching and I had been prescribed what to do...now my task was to remember what to do.  See my humanness, would immediately take it as flattery and assume that finally someone was here for me. NOT the case. These guys are here for me but not FOR me.  Some are here to repent (sort of make up for an eff up from some years ago) others seek some answers and possibly closure on the possibility of what they once felt. (could we be together?)  Others are just wounded and I know that I am a light that draws them near.  Key is...

DON'T FUCK THIS UP...keep your head on straight and just breathe through it all.

This shouldn't be too difficult.  See it's not just guys it's females as well. Not in a romantic wanna be with me sense but as friends. All of these relationships speak to the character of who I am becoming.  Some will bring baggage as reminders of who I was and where I've been. Temptations to revisit old habits that will take me off path or severely delay my forward progress.  All have the potential to become MAJOR distractions so

DON'T FUCK THIS UP...keep your head on straight and just breathe through it all.

I know that there are lessons that are being placed in front of me. Learning to love differently, mother differently, speak and listen differently. I'm working hard to get this lesson.  I have slipped already a few times and my feelings were bruised as a result.  Not even 15 days in and I'm in reflection mode. I guess that's a good sign.

Just DON'T FUCK THIS UP...

That I may touch your lips...

Lips touched, tongues searched, bodily fluids exchanged...communicating what?


There is soo much said in a kiss. So much revealed that you can't get back and sometimes can't duplicate or explain.  I don't kiss much because of the transparency it holds.  I can't kiss someone and they NOT know how I feel about them.  When I kiss, my essence flows into the other person; searching, probing for what and who they are. It's sort of Tantric how it all works.  Sometimes it's not to just inhale the other person; barely touching their lips. 

I remember a guy who would do everything EXCEPT kiss.  A kiss was soo sacred to him that he rarely did it.  I am not quite that way but close.  I don't just kiss everyone.  I was asked recently for a kiss and I smiled.  I knew the person wasn't ready for what I had however they insisted and when I pulled away afterwards they're eyes were still closed and all they could say was GOT DAMN WOMAN!!!


I will more than likely NEVER do that again. But at least they KNOW now that a kiss is more than lips pressing up against each other.

What is a kiss to you?