I seek the impossible....

I find that I'm on a quest for the impossible. Transparency.  To be as open and vulnerable as I can stand without becoming a PUNK in the process.

I say an impossible quest because as someone who changes and shifts from day to day, breathe to breathe, transparency can be challenging.  I mean at the core I can be transparent I really believe I can however my outer shell may shift shape or decor which may lead some to think the core has changed. NOT TRUE.

I may change my scent, my hair, my style of dress or the things that interest me however at the core...I'm fighting to be transparent. See through me to the other side of you. hmmm now there's a concept.  See through me to the other side of you.

If you recognize that we all are one...this won't be a mind bender however if you are wondering what my quest for transparency has to do with you...

Mama Odie say... "DIG DEEPER"

Just words...

My anger has subsided and been replaced with a smile.  A different kind of peace settles into the raw edges of my wounded heart. My smile is bright and clear,no mask.

A re-birthing of a feeling I've not felt in years about myself.  Can't go into detail just yet for I don't completely understand what's occurring, only time explain it.  I have learned patience (and not the one that used to live at my house!)  My tattoo is healing, about as quickly as my heart. 

And even though it's being described as raining and gloomy outside, my vision is full of light and joy!

Emerging...

Since we last touched I got a new tattoo, covering an older one but still considered my fourth one.

I'll let it speak for itself...for now...

Seeking Peace

My girlfriend said remember who I AM. in my mind I whispered "Peaceful Groove"
She repeated my words back to me.  Be careful what you put out there. You are a brilliant writer and no doubt you need to be mindful with your talent so it does not turn against you .    I know she's right.
Much too often we, in anger, say and do things that we good about in the moment releasing, (my recent voicemail message)  yet, feel later and most times are not clear where it came from.  I know better now.

Yes my heart hurts (it was sooo damn fragile to begin with I never ...yes my self worth is shattered...again. However because I have different and more effective "tools" this time around I know how to heal differently. I refuse to hide and stuff my pain or disappointment and I won't destroy those that cause me dis-ease, in the process.

I give my word. I KNOW that I have that ability to destroy with vengeance. 

I'm going to shed this brokenness ,not  piece it together but this time I'm going to let it completely DIE away.  Let it go.  NO hate or revenge (even though I said I HATED HIM) I don't.  For once in a long time with him, I felt alive again.  I actually felt sexy, pretty and attractive.  I felt more like a woman that I have in years and I wasn't faking it. He reminded me of that side of me I shut down almost a decade ago.  Was that his purpose in my life?


So i'm laying down my armor, my machetes and venom to completely re-lease...re-rejuvenate...and re-create ME.

I will to the best of my human ability not fall prey to such blatant abuse of LOVE again.  In THIS lesson I am reminded that there are no substitutions, replacements or duplicates of REAL LOVE.  There is ONLY LOVE and it don't PLAY at all.

I instead choose to stand before my Ancestors...naked, bruised, and broken READY to be REBORN through their hands, love and guidance. 

I'm READY.... to be made READY to be the ME I was born to be

His lies...so I can remember not to fall again..

"If ever you find yourself wondering how long this can continue, take pride in knowing that it isn't temporary.  If ever you find yourself wondering how this can be, find solace in the fact that energy in its purest form, can not be destroyed. IF you EVER find yourself wondering, entertaining uncertainty, about the longevity of this reality...KNOW...that"


I am a....

..

"You are Simply Beautiful to me..."  (especially when your legs are wrapped around me)
"I did tell you that I desire to touch your skin tonight right?" (but I'm not in this just for the sex...BULLSHIT)
"I'm sorry about your history  of disappointments but know that I am not like them" ( I am worse)
"for every pound that occurs, I'll hold you closer. For every "eye opening" experience, I'll hold you tighter. For every bite ofyour lip, I'll kiss you longer.  I'm the other part."  (I'm the shit you need to wipe off your ass and flush down the toilet)

"Be good to you...and know that none of it was a game or in vain.  I am ONLY sorry for the timing; nothing else" (oh and that I got caught AGAIN!)

(look into my eyes and be FOOLED so I can FUCK YOU...and dog you after I get caught!)

"Again NOT what I want. I dont want you to be the fantasy, the pretend queen, the other woman. EVERYTHING I've said to you, EVERYTHING has been sincere, heartfelt and true. (LIAR) with the exception of the one like I told, my heart has been transparent to you (ANOTHER LIE..forgot to tell me that you only see me when you are bored )ONE OF the many things that hurt me so badly about this email is your confident assumption that I'm full of shit and just want...(insert P word here) " I think this is when he tried to make me think he was so hurt that he was crying...LIAR

Oh and the other poem of lies...

"created from the essence of beauty, You've captured my heart, breathed life into my faith, given energy to purpose, today and eternally" BULLSHIT

"Your longing gaze holds me still unlike any I've met, You bring peace to my world, setting my heart at east, discontent has ceased, every moment that's shared, I will never forget." (this would mean after she goes to sleep I come to you and I LIE to her as I have for over 15 yrs!)

"To you I pledge an eternal kiss (Kiss from a deadly serpent slithering LIAR), "As long as..."is our blueprint,..."

You brought nothing but deceit, selfishness and lies.  I was another victim  to practice your LIES on and I fell for them. 


NEVER AGAIN will I allow any muthafucka that close to my soul..YOU as many men do...HAVE RUINED a GOOD sistah with your selfish ass ways!!!