...exhale

So I got called out the other day.  An elder I have MUCH respect and love for, as I approached her with a smile on my face I stood square in front of her and waited.  A well known intuitive that read me long before I walked up to her (as she always does)  I stood now in front of her full in her energy, exposing my own and waiting for her to speak.

"You have changed" she said.  I smiled.  "Yes, you are changing. that smile is not always real yet it too has changed."  I nodded proud that my work on self was apparent to her.  I told her how I had been working gradually on releasing some baggage since I'd seen her earlier this year.  I was all ready to tell her about the love I had experienced and although it was told not healthy for me to keep it did unlock something dormant within my spirit.  Just as I began to go into my "progress report," she stopped me and said.


"WHY AREN'T YOU WRITING?"  My smile dropped.  "YOU ARE HOLDING ON TO SOMETHING FROM THE PAST THAT IS TO BE WRITTEN...YOU SHOULD BE AT HOME NOW WRITING." 

I felt her arms hug me and her foot in my rear simultaneously.  A woman that I'm supposed to be writing for also put her two cents on the table inquiring of progress of the book i'm working on for her.

as the night went on and when the midnight hour struck and all sang happy birthday to me...I smiled and when the singing was done she said OUT LOUD...." WHY ARE YOU STILL HERE?  YOU SHOULD BE HOME WRITING!"

I left, went home and wrote until I fell asleep. 

I have 3 days to write a whole lot and I know I can do it...

so 2010..I become a published writer.

Interdependence

I was thinking about how people, desires, dreams, and needs are connected.  And so I pose these questions...

When he wants and calls to what he perceives as love and that love responds to his calls...is it okay? 
When that love wants and he responds to that love calling...is that okay? 
When his vowed love cries out to him as he wants his perceived love does he ignore his vowed loved cries to be where he smiles?
When his vowed love calls out to him and he chooses to ignore what is the response?

If ALL is energy and spirit and energy is power.. when cries and calls are answered and ignored, how does energy and spirit restore the balance?

Just asking

....

Taking a pause..6 days before my 42nd birthday and I've got a number of things on my mind.  I've got memories that I need to sort through. Not much shopping to get done but then again...not much money to do it with anyway.  Taking this time or some of it...to think about ME.

I'd love to unplug but that's not possible just yet.  Soon my time will come and I'll grab a hold of it with such passion that I'm sure others will feel the ripple.  Slowly I embrace this pause in my life...stretching it out for as long as I can make it last..

Over kill

I apologize for my harshness yet sometimes it's necessary to go to the EDGE of an emotion to release it all.  I hope you can understand that I am tired of pain. I'm tired of hurting and living with a broken heart.  I no longer want disappointments when I can control their existence.

Simply put...I don't want to commit a crime of passion just because it feels good.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FFOzayDpWoI

"Heaven help me for the way I am 
Save me from these evil deeds 

Before I get them done 

I know tomorrow brings the consequence 

At hand 

But I keep livin' this day like 

The next will never come "

I was way in over my head. Caught up in a passion so intense that I lost my ability to...   As Jill Scott sings, 

The rain was fallin and,and slowly and sweetly and stinging my eyes
And I could not see that he became my voodoo priest
And I was his faithful concubine
Wide open,wide,loose like bowels after collard greens

The mistake was made

Love slipped from my lips

Dripped down my chin and landed in his lap

And us became new

Now me non-clairvoyant and in love

Made the coochie easy and the obvious invisible

The rain was falling

And I couldn't see the season changing

And the vibe slipping off it's axis

Our beautiful melody became wildly staccato

The rain was falling and I could not see

That I was to be plowed and sowed and fertilized

I never knew that I had given up soo much of me to someone that was not, could not adequately care for me as I deserved.  Was it wrong? Yes for so many reasons. Was it wrong? no, because it unlocked a place in me that was silent and now speaks although now only in a whisper because I still have so much work to do on me...to be ready for one that's really for me.

"can you sit with pain, mine or your own, without moving to hide it or fade it, or fix it."

I feel you moving, slipping away

I try to call, but I can't find the words to say

My lips move, ah but they don't make a sound

I hear your voice baby, but you're nowhere around

I close my eyes, I can't find my sleep

My wounds will not heal, you cut me too deep

My mind is strong but my spirit is weak

I got to get back on my feet

Well, you can be so cruel

Oh, that I just don't understand

Do the tears that I cry baby

Hey, does it make you feel like a man

And I told you once boy, 

Oh baby let me tell you again

You can't do right cause you're the 

Wrong man

I hear you calling, but I ain't no fool

I've got to be stronger

I've got to get over you

Each time I cry, its a sign of my pain

Every tear that falls, carries your name

All I know is it cannot go on

Everything I do for you is wrong

Ain't nothing I can say or can do

I just got to, I gotta get up child

I gotta move

Hear me baby

Tell me what you want me to do

Ain't my, my my my, ain't my lovin good enough for you

I told you once boy, baby lemme tell you again

You can't do right cause...

You know I love you

But sometimes love ain't enough

And I don't wanna leave you

Baby but I'm giving you up

And I told you once boy

And I don't wanna tell you again

You can't do right cause 

You're the wrong man

You can't do right baby

 I'd rather lose you, 

Than to lose my mind