I wish I knew

I wish I knew how to not feel so isolated and lonely. I wish it didn't hurt so much to look at my accomplishments and there's rarely if ever anyone to share them with so I just keep it moving.

I wish that I was good enough to be more than the side chick, the inbetween chick, the transitional, rebound chick.  I know I am but it seems that I keep ending up in situations where..I end up being just that.

I wish I could cry and my nose didn't stop up and turn red. I wish someone would know how to love me like really love me like I know how to love them.  Is it so difficult?  I know that I'm sexy, sensuous and adorable but can we get beyond that?
Can we love me enough to penetrate my soul?  And not just for the purposes of seeing if it can be done. I"m not a challenge or conquest I'm human. I'm a woman who is not feeling loved.

There doesn't seem to be enough of anyone for me. I get the leftovers. Am I settling for the leftovers? no but hell that's all that comes served up on my plate these days.

I wish I knew how to know that someone was incapable of loving me so I wouldn't even waste my time getting to know them thus knowing me because the more I know about me the further away from the world I seem to grow and I feel like i'm in between realms of reality that no one else is a part of yet.  So I float here in limbo and folks think it cool and exciting that I"m out here and they really don't wanna know me they just wanna experience the floating that I'm doing and i get so lonely out here that I take them by the hand so they can experience what it is to be in my space and they love it here but they can't seem to breathe here for long or their attention span is too short. Mike did tell me that I was high maintenance.  LOL

I wish I didn't hurt so much more during moontime than I do during the other times of the month.  I can't conceal this pain much anymore. I need to be able to love someone because I'm forgetting who I am only who I've been.  you don't understand that..can't understand that can you?  All you know is what the movies say but do you KNOW who you are? Have you tried to get acquainted with who you are?  If you did...maybe I wouldn't hurt so like I do in the darkness when all are asleep and I can't because I"m up crying ...

wishing I could stop the pain and aching in the middle of my core that is wanting to be with someone who is able to stand in love with me.  dont' fall for me...stand for me.

just words

My head hurts, my heart is beating and my breathing is somewhat normal but what's on my plate is feeling like more than I can handle.

I want to cry but the tears stop at the corners and the lump never rises in my throat enough to choke me.  I should be doing homework but I keep floating into a thoughtless mood, staring out the window listening to the rain fall against the house.  I want to be held, caressed not penetrated or sexed just held. 

sometimes that's so much more difficult for anyone to do.  it's easier to just thrust and probe rather than just to hold my heart. today I need my heart held. 

Long sighs and faraway thoughts of emptiness. is this melancholy or sadness?  It's not depression because I'm not that overwhelmed.  I have limited funds yet I have all basic necessities and some extras.  Just not in abundance as normal. 

well guess i'll get to gettin to my work so i'm not adding stress into my overwhelm. 

It all looks good to me right about now.

Looks are deceiving and everything that looks like it fits...ain't a match.  However, in my push to get my head into my studies ALMOST anything that offers comfort, no stress and no drama is welcome. Yep I said it.

If it makes me feel good, gets the kinks outta my neck and shoulders and helps me sleep better at night then BRANG it on!!!

However...if it gets in the way of my studies, causes me to lose sleep or stresses me out because i'm asked too many dang questions that dont' pertain to school or making ME feel good then it needs get them BEHIND ME!! LOL

Okay enough of that off to study.

 

My happy thought is about a person that reminds me that I'm a woman.  The person that reminds me that the very essence of who I am is intoxicating and he hungers for me often.  My happy thought is about how I affect him and he me.  How in his arms I am all woman and as much as I try to fight the feelings that arise, I can not in his presence.

I am vulnerable in his embrace. I am wanting in his presence. I am eager to be held, touched, smelled, loved by him.  Yet when he gets close, when he shows up, I adamantly resist this reality. Foolish I know however to give in so easily to what pleases me would be so mundane so I push against it as if to confirm that it is for me and only me.  And it is.  He smiles and my efforts and waits patiently for my arms, limbs, heart to tire of the battle.  When I am spent, he reaches for me and covering my mouth with his he revitalizes my spirit, loving on me from the inside out and then steps back...knowing that his little warrior will only use this energy to fight again.

I am his and he knows it.  He loves the feistyness of who I am and when I surrender I surrender completely.  Do I allow him to win? NOPE he is a suitable opponent. Cunning, convincing, sly and sophisticated in his seduction tactics.  I live for his skill and yet I possess a few "juju" tricks of my own.  With each kiss I pause to INHALE him, stealing just enough of his essence to keep me reminded of why...

He is my happy thought. someone that I don't have to explain much to however don't mind when it is necessary. 

I want my happy thought all the time...all the time.

The burden I bear

yes as the title states and the picture reflects I see my heart as a burden.  It's this HUGE monstrosity that I lug around that has all sorts of dents and bruises that i'm left to deal with.  I've always felt like that kid that brought enough for every one in the class however always seemed to be the only one that never received anything.  I was the one no one picked in PE, no one picked at recess. 

now i'm much older and still I feel like i'm the one that no one picks.  Yet i'm the one they have no hesitation in asking something from.  Advice, my time, money, etc etc...but who gives to me?

Yes i'm in one of THOSE mooods this evening.  Hopefully sunlight brings something different and lighter